September 2008
I have been so challenged this year that it’s been easy to overlook the accomplishments and opportunities.
I am going to explain. I have been dissatisfied. Really dissatisfied. So much half done. So much almost figured out. So much not-quite-so. So much still a mess. Simple stuff. Easy stuff. Hard stuff. Stuff that I have attacked a thousand times but that still is poorly functioning. One evening my attitude was so bad that I caught myself having a wicked conversation (with myself) just as I stepped into the foyer of my apartment after a long, frustrating day. It went something like this: “Who am I kidding? What ever gave me the idea I could pull this off? I’ll probably be alone starving to death by the time I should have ‘really made my impact’. What am I going to change, anyway? I am just one person who knows practically nothing. I can’t even keep my paperwork in order and I think I’m going to keep my health care empire in order? What was I thinking? I have to do something else. I have to get away from here. How am I going to get out of this?” I don’t know how to exaggerate how vicious the words were (and the tone of my inner voice was), or how hopeless and depleted I felt. I caught myself, actually hearing what I was saying, shocked. I decided to move my feet out of that spot. Indeed, I said to myself, “I am not having this conversation.”
Some days later I heard someone say, “What you fear you draw near.” Then it hit me. It is not a bogeyman that draws something near. It is not even the person who fears who draws “it” near. It is simple. When filled with fear, that is all we can see. When filled with doubt, that is all we can see. When filled with frustration, that is all we can see.
For much of this year I have focused my awareness on what I can’t do, what I don’t do well, what I should do better, what I still mess up, what I haven’t got the hang of, what my weaknesses are, what I should have done better. As that point of view became a more general state, it took on a persona of its’ own. When I was filled with moments of discouragement, futility and failure, it was all I could see; (by that very fact) it was validated. Naturally I could only see more. It fed on itself. Worst of all, my normal strategies that have uplifted me through the years have fallen by the wayside as my work has increased and my children have needed more attention. Without those strategies I lost my buoyancy. So, now I am getting back to basics. First, my energy has to be on target, so that is a priority item, where it belongs. It’s already helping me to refocus my inner dialogue and my outer actions.
What happened in September? UHI handled getting rid of two problematic employees who were in key spots, and got the opportunity to fill the spots with staff that fit better. Yes, it’s tough! But, hey, it happens. At least now I have the chance to search for employees who are not only great clinicians but who are a great fit at UHI. I get a chance to look for people who are fantastic at what they do and are also team players. I will work to build the staff of my dreams in every way (not just great for the patients, but great for me, too)
I am going to explain. I have been dissatisfied. Really dissatisfied. So much half done. So much almost figured out. So much not-quite-so. So much still a mess. Simple stuff. Easy stuff. Hard stuff. Stuff that I have attacked a thousand times but that still is poorly functioning. One evening my attitude was so bad that I caught myself having a wicked conversation (with myself) just as I stepped into the foyer of my apartment after a long, frustrating day. It went something like this: “Who am I kidding? What ever gave me the idea I could pull this off? I’ll probably be alone starving to death by the time I should have ‘really made my impact’. What am I going to change, anyway? I am just one person who knows practically nothing. I can’t even keep my paperwork in order and I think I’m going to keep my health care empire in order? What was I thinking? I have to do something else. I have to get away from here. How am I going to get out of this?” I don’t know how to exaggerate how vicious the words were (and the tone of my inner voice was), or how hopeless and depleted I felt. I caught myself, actually hearing what I was saying, shocked. I decided to move my feet out of that spot. Indeed, I said to myself, “I am not having this conversation.”
Some days later I heard someone say, “What you fear you draw near.” Then it hit me. It is not a bogeyman that draws something near. It is not even the person who fears who draws “it” near. It is simple. When filled with fear, that is all we can see. When filled with doubt, that is all we can see. When filled with frustration, that is all we can see.
For much of this year I have focused my awareness on what I can’t do, what I don’t do well, what I should do better, what I still mess up, what I haven’t got the hang of, what my weaknesses are, what I should have done better. As that point of view became a more general state, it took on a persona of its’ own. When I was filled with moments of discouragement, futility and failure, it was all I could see; (by that very fact) it was validated. Naturally I could only see more. It fed on itself. Worst of all, my normal strategies that have uplifted me through the years have fallen by the wayside as my work has increased and my children have needed more attention. Without those strategies I lost my buoyancy. So, now I am getting back to basics. First, my energy has to be on target, so that is a priority item, where it belongs. It’s already helping me to refocus my inner dialogue and my outer actions.
What happened in September? UHI handled getting rid of two problematic employees who were in key spots, and got the opportunity to fill the spots with staff that fit better. Yes, it’s tough! But, hey, it happens. At least now I have the chance to search for employees who are not only great clinicians but who are a great fit at UHI. I get a chance to look for people who are fantastic at what they do and are also team players. I will work to build the staff of my dreams in every way (not just great for the patients, but great for me, too)
posted by Dr. Amelia Case at Monday, December 29, 2008
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